Ana Miranda
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Feeling like a person

22/9/2014

10 Comments

 
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When I arrived in Belgium I didn’t have a single document except for my passport. Then I got the famous orange card, which says nothing but “take a seat and wait while we decide whether you’re welcome here or not”. I felt like a nobody.

No bank account, no local driver’s license, no identity card, nothing. It was like I had no existence in this country that I hoped would be my new home.

Every time I had to show my card people looked at it – and at me – funny. It was about half a page in size, folded in half and tucked in a plastic sleeve. Oh, and a nice blend of orange and pink. I could almost hear their thoughts: “What the hell is this? Is this even legal? Who is this girl?”

But my worst memory is definitely the first day of school, over a year ago. I was finally signed up and excited to learn Dutch. My boyfriend even enrolled for Portuguese classes so we could go to school together on Monday evenings. However, a few days before that I had my visa request denied and the damned orange card taken. Again, I only had my passport.

I sat through the first half of class, then everyone had to go downstairs to the office to buy some course material. They checked my file. They needed some identification, I showed them my passport. Drama. The school couldn’t accept it, there was nothing on it but my entrance stamp.  

“But the guy from the Huis van het Nederlands said any document with my picture on it would be okay!”

“Sorry, we’ll have to cancel your enrolment.”

But I just want to learn. I cried in front of the crowded office. I’m not ashamed. I was so fed up with being pushed around. I went up, found my boyfriend’s class, got him downstairs so he could give his account number and get the money back (I didn’t even have my own bank account at that time!)

Now we all know that everything turned out okay but that feeling of rejection scarred me a little and I’m always grateful to have a national id to show and all the rights that come with it.

Today I have a bank account, a driver’s license, a health insurance card, a resident permit. It seems a little ridiculous to lay your “being a person” on a bunch of plastic cards, but for some people it might make sense. Those plastic cards give you rights and freedom.

And you know what gives you more freedom, more choice? Work, money.

Not having a job or an income for almost two years has done things to my head that I hope turn into wisdom of some sort. Having everything I need to survive and more, I still feel a lack of purpose, of energy, of excitement, of identity. I feel less.

I know deep down that I am who I am and that is beautiful and enough, but it’s hard to shake off the idea that I need to work and make money to feel more like a mature, independent and free woman. 


What makes you feel more or less valuable? How do you deal with it?

10 Comments
Tatiane
22/9/2014 10:32:32 am

A gente tem a tendencia de achar que e muito simples morar fora, e do lado de ca nem imaginamos as dificuldades do dia a dia e quanto pequenas coisas na verdade representam por vezes grandes problemas.

Reply
Ana Elisa Miranda
22/9/2014 10:37:07 am

Oi Tati, é verdade. Antes de voltar eu achava que tudo seria mais simples. Não fazia ideia do que realmente significava fazer de outro país meu lar "permanente". Mas a vida é essa mistura de luta e alegria em qualquer lugar, né?

Reply
Kênya Sodré
22/9/2014 03:53:24 pm

Eu adoro suas reflexões. Confesso que com o cartão laranja foi bem isso que senti. Praticamente um feto. Mas que barra você passou. Com certeza isso vai te fortalecer. Eu estou me sentindo um zero a esquerda sem emprego. De ir às agências e ouvir que sua experiência é ótima, mas não válida para o país. Isso me corta. Me deixa abismada. So "learn the language and express myself" makes me feel valuable. I think the job will come with it. To be perfect. I felt i lost a bit of myself, but i believe the lost is a moment that i hope, for something good.

Reply
Ana Elisa Miranda
23/9/2014 02:54:22 am

Hi Kênya,

You're right: learning Dutch will make you feel more at home and it will open doors. Make sure to turn the "losing yourself" into something good ;)

Someone told me that the first two years are the hardest, I hope it gets better for us and that we go through them with patience and dignity.

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Tabata link
22/9/2014 07:10:12 pm

Greaat! Congrats! I'm happy for you! I can't wait to be in the same process!!!!!! I totally understand this "need a job to feel like a person" thing... not easy. I hope we can meet soon!

Reply
Ana Elisa Miranda
23/9/2014 03:02:27 am

Hi Tabata,

Thanks for your message :)
I hope everything goes smoothly for you. Let me know when you're in Belgium!

Reply
Tabata
24/9/2014 10:01:04 am

Hey, so now i'm looking for flemish courses and i'm starting to understand your affliction! All schools ask for an identity belge. =/

Carol Duque link
2/10/2014 08:20:30 am

This is great, I'm au pair too
XoXo https://dreamingwithmoons.blogspot.com

Reply
Alexandra
10/10/2014 02:56:30 pm

Hello Ana! I've been following your blog for some time and I identify myself with a lot of your posts..
I had the same problem when I moved to Belgium but gladly I got my card, and that made me very happy!.. Then I enrolled in university and that kept me happy and busy for 2 years. This summer I graduated and I need a special permission from the government to be able to work.. I've been waiting for 2.5 months.. and they told me they don't know how long it will take!

So I understand you perfectly!.. having no job feels bad, and sometimes I feel like people think less of people who have no job.. (maybe it's all in my head....).

I wish you the best and that you can find a job that makes you happy soon !!

Reply
Ana Elisa Miranda
12/10/2014 04:23:05 am

Hi! Thanks for your message :)

Hang in there, it will all work out. I've read this recently and it made a lot of sense to me: Most of your troubles are the ones in your head. Let's try and love ourselves a little more :)

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